Packing Up and Stuck

Today we learned that our move to Brussels in June is off. Technically, it is postponed by the firm management until summer of 2010, but I know the truth. For the firm, relocation is dependent upon a positive change in the global economy. For us, at this point, relocation is hinged on our willingness to stay in limbo for the next year, waiting for it to work out. Accordingly, we told Eleanor and Ethan today that we are not moving. Of course we still may relocate to Belgium sometime in the next few years, but it seemed unfair to require them to live in this uncertainty, especially since we aren't sure if we can do it.

After all this anticipation and preparation, this is an enormous disappointment. The kids are sad and confused. So are we. Our vision of ourselves as a family had grown to include such great international dimensions and we luxuriated in those dreams. We cry now. We grieve in some entitled way for a dream that is . . . I don't know what the word is . . . stuck?

And for me, the mom and wife, this is a bitter moment. I did, after all, quit my beloved job. Life is easier without it anyway, and if Scott continues to travel as much as he is now, which is part of the firm's long-term plan for him whether we live in Europe or here, a full-time job is nearly impossible to pull off. I quit my beloved job, though, and have struggled through that decision every day, even with Brussels waiting. I also set to work learning a new language and fell headlong in love with French and my image of myself as a bilingual citizen of the world.

What I struggle to handle in my racing mind is how I fit into this changed vision of my own life. I am back where I was when I was at home with kids in school all day, fairly miserable without the challenge of a professional life. I am back in a pre-dream existence, where my children had never imagined classmates from 65 nations and field trips to World War II battle sites and the French Alps. I am back in a house in a suburb where I never really feel I have fit.

The best word I can come up with tonight is stuck.